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Valentine's Day with a Super Model |
FEBRUARY 15TH, 2003
Dear Diary,
It seems like every Valentine's Day my dream upon dream of sharing chocolates from of a heart-shaped box with my soulmate/supermodel gets pushed to the backburner time and time again. So, as of today, I'm devising a plan to increase my odds and hopefully make my dream come true by next February.
First I have to figure out the parameters of who could be classified as a supermodel. It's not just a status for every bronzed, statuesque beauty in a bathing suit. I have to get specific so I can narrow down the field of models for my upcoming full court press of love. Most experts and countless website managers agree that supermodels clearly are those women who make regular appearances in major fashion magazines, Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues, and Victoria's Secret catalogues. This statistic alone quickly gave me a short list of potential Valentine's Day card receivers. In no particular order I scribble down names like Elle McPherson, Paulina Porizkova, Kathy Ireland, Carolyn Murphy, Stephanie Seymour, Tyra Banks, and Heidi Klum.
FEBRUARY 16TH, 2003
Dear Diary,
To cross check my list of names I ordered some back issues of Sports Illustrated and called up the eight hundred toll free number for Victoria's Secret. While the Sports Illustrated people were very helpful, I found the Victoria's Secret people to be a bit standoffish and huffy. It felt as if they thought I was some sort of dirty old man. I snapped back to the snippy phone receptionist that I was merely planning a special Valentine's Day gift and I really didn't appreciate all the stalker references.
As my second day of research is slowly coming to an end, I have determined that there are about twenty-five supermodels doing their supermodeling in the world at any given time. Having twenty-five young ladies to pick from seemed like good odds and I quickly rushed out and bought twenty-five personal Valentine's Day cards to cover all my bases. My research led me to pull up a few more supermodel defining features. These women have faces that plaster the public's media viewfinder, but have names that are often forgettable. The cream of the crop have all been profiled on Access Hollywood at one time or another and have surprised everyone with their nails-on-blackboard voices. I noticed some discrepancies between height and hair color, but all supermodels were extremely thin, bordering on anorexia, and they all knew more about makeup that Molecular Biology. Now my research was complete. The plan to meet and greet my Valentine's Day Dreamboat was ready for Phase Two.
FEBRUARY 17, 2003
Dear Diary,
So the question of the day is, "How do I position myself to meet a supermodel?" I realized that I had yet to run into a supermodel in 37 years of potential chance encounters at work and play. Thus, I probably had to reconsider where I lived and what I did on a daily basis if my Valentine's Day gift-giving festivities were to become a reality. But where to go and what to do? It dawned on me that I had to find out who the supermodels were dating and where these guys were located. I quickly ran to the library and consulted the best source for this information--back issues of the tabloids. Here I found pictures, names, and occupations of the supermodel's dates. I learned that if you really wanted to increase your odds of holding hands with a supermodel, you pretty much had to be an actor, musician, or professional athlete with a police record.
MARCH 10, 2003
Dear Diary,
Some time has passed since I've last written to you. I am now in Los Angeles taking acting classes and in the process of purchasing my first guitar. Yes! Finally it feels as though my dream was going to become a reality!
MARCH 11, 2003
Dear Diary,
Unfortunately, I have acted too fast. Further research has turned up an overriding fact that over 90 percent of all supermodels live in New York. I guess Los Angeles is too far away from Paris or something like that. Now I am 2,500 miles away from my dream and there was no hope of getting back my security deposit. I have no choice. I have packed up my guitar and will head East tomorrow. Clearly this dream of mine was getting closer to becoming a reality, but the cost had begun to skyrocket beyond my Bar Mitzvah savings. I now understand why most supermodels are seen with actors, musicians, and professional athletes--they have the income to support this expensive venture.
APRIL 12, 2003
Dear Diary,
I made it to New York without any hitches and established myself in a local actor's studio. I had to hold off on the guitar lessons due to the fact that my guitar was stolen from my apartment along with most of my clothes and my futon last week. The good news is my acting instructor is "best of friends" with the uncle of Claudia Shiffer's florist's nephew. I finally feel as though there is a light at the end of this supermodel tunnel. I won't be writing much anymore as I have decided to drastically reduce frivolous expenditures (like pens and pencils) in order to save money for a trip to Paris. If by January I have yet to meet my Valentine's Day sweetie, I will roll the dice on a first class ticket on Virgin Atlantic in hopes that I get a seat next to a Perfect Ten on her way to a fashion shoot. Wish me luck!
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